Stinging more than usual

, originally uploaded by free admission.

So I’m sitting at Joe’s eating a late brunch after talking with my mover.

Who called me to tell me that he could have saved me money but unfortunately after talking with his manager he can’t. This call is out of the blue by the way it came as a result of me not needing storage and having a place to actually move into inside of their promised delivery schedule. It is due to the fact that the ‘driver’ that is going to pick up on March 31st can deliver on the 8th or 9th but I want delivery on the 19th. Yet I will not save any money, even though I no longer require storage and have an actual destination that is a home with a lot less steps than my current 3 story walk up with no elevator. I called him on it and told him I didn’t want to talk with him about it anymore and I would see his ‘driver’ on the 31st. The ‘driver’ even bumped my moving day a day, I was booked on the 30th, have been for months, to suit his schedule. Never mind the tenant that is moving in here or the fact that I need to clean the place. We wouldn’t want to disrupt the ‘driver’ now would we. Noooooooo!

The ‘driver’ seems to be the root of all his causes for problems and inconveniences, which is a little unbelievable for me but considering my last moving experience I am not hopeful that this one will have a positive outcome but I’m trying to keep the faith somehow.

I sit there and over hear a young girl talking with an older fat bald man in a rustic zip up sweater about addiction, meetings and basically her life. Its a bit depressing to say the least. They are fairly candid about what they are talking about and having just recently had an experience with an addict I listened. Intently.

Why do they go to meetings if they are still using? Aren’t the meetings for when you have stopped using? I’m confused and glad that I have not had that experience myself other than second hand with an ex and a passing friend. (By passing I mean they have passed through my life not away. I did not abide them any further contact after they put me in a very precarious position.)

They finish their brunch as I am about half way through mine and I hear the girl tell the man that she is glad she has met him. Is that also what you can expect as an addict? To meet a near stranger out in public and unload pill experiences, why you drink, where you work, why your relationship enables you when you are drunk but you can’t stand the guy when you are sober? WHAT? Clearly I have no tolerance or understanding for this and maybe that’s a good thing. Some things in life are I believe better not lived or learned. In any way.

Things seem to be hurting more lately, and faster. I’m quicker to respond and to cry excessively. I’m not sure if its the move or the overwhelming fear of not knowing what to do when I get there and hoping to gawd I will find something and someone that fits instead of living inside of my head the way I have been for so long.

Or maybe because moving is the most stressful thing a person can do next to losing a loved one or your job. I am without either at the moment so I guess all of my emotions are concentrated on this one area blowing it and magnifying it way out of proportion.

I have some inkling of fait that I will find what fits. In the mean time I will Keep Calm and Carry On and believe that everything is going to be fine without my incessant need to control it because the truth is we can’t.

Day 195 March 30, 2010